# Better Therapy

> Psychologist in Houston | Book Online


## Posts

- [What is PTSD? What I Learned from Being Physically Assaulted](https://bettertherapy.com/ptsd/): How do you know if you have developed PTSD? Here is what my own experience of being physically assaulted taught me ...
- [Right-Sizing Your Guilt and Learning to Forgive Yourself](https://bettertherapy.com/rightsizing-guilt/): Guilt can be a useful emotion but not when you judge yourself too harshly or unfairly. Learn how to right-size your guilt and act on it so you can let go 
- [How to Resolve a Conflict When Both Expect an Apology](https://bettertherapy.com/apology/): Couples often end up in a stalemate where they both expect an apology and both blame each other for their woes. How do you resolve a situation like this so you can both move forward?
- [How to Communicate Better with Your Significant Other](https://bettertherapy.com/communicate-better/): One of the number one issues couples face is difficulty with communication. Why is Communication so Difficult? Much of the time it’s because we just don’t see eye to eye. My feelings and needs become an imposition on your feelings and needs, and vice versa. I may have a need for some alone time and for you to support my night out with “the guys” but this may conflict with your need to feel like a priority and to feel more of an emotional connection with me. And so we are stuck, and instead of communicating, we argue. I argue […]
- [8 Cognitive Behavioral Strategies to Reduce Problematic Drinking](https://bettertherapy.com/problem-drinking/): Do You Have a Drinking Problem? Drinking is an ever-present part of our culture and can certainly be done in a way that is responsible and adds value to your life. For some, however, drinking eventually takes over their life and leads to more problems than benefits. A person may gradually increase the frequency or amount they drink, may drink less to have a good time and more to cope with feelings, may develop urges or cravings whenever they don’t drink, may drink to the point where they make a fool out of themselves or damage their reputation, or may […]
- [Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy for Addictions: Everything You Need to Know](https://bettertherapy.com/ifs-addiction/):   In the course of planning a therapy group for veterans with Substance Use Disorders at the Michael E. DeBakey Medical Center in Houston I have gotten to know a lot about an approach to addiction called Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. The approach was developed by Richard Schwartz, a psychologist and family therapist, and has been tailored to the work with addictions in the new book: Internal Family Systems Therapy for Addictions.   IFS advances a new way of looking at addictions and I think it holds a lot of promise. In fact IFS introduces a novel approach to […]
- [Depression as Self-Protection: The Secret Benefit of a Depressed Mind](https://bettertherapy.com/depression-as-self-protection/): When we think of depression we often assume it to be a malaise that anyone would want to get rid of. However, depression has a number of “secret” benefits that can make it hard for many people to live without it. Famous Danish philosopher Soeren Kierkegaard captured this attachment when he referred to his depression as his “faithful mistress”. So what are these benefits that can make it hard for a person to truly give it up? Depression as a Survival Mechanism: Recent research has documented that human beings can respond to stress in one of two ways. They can […]
- [Fundamental Anxiety: The Anxiety of Being Who You Are](https://bettertherapy.com/fundamental-anxiety/): Does Your Life Feel Disingenuous? Sometimes in therapy I come across clients who report they don’t really know what they truly want or who they really are. They have been so used to adapting to others or trying to be who they think they should be that they have lost touch with themselves and have become almost like an actor on a stage. Fundamental Anxiety In trying to trace back the root of this lack of authenticity I often find that the person in question has had experiences in their life that required them to take flight from themselves or […]
- [The Best Way to Deal with a Panic Attack Is To Do Nothing](https://bettertherapy.com/panic-attack/): The human organism is designed to protect us from danger to ensure our survival. One way it does this is to make us afraid of things that can cause us harm or death. Unfortunately sometimes this built in alarm and detection system is a little too sensitive and can cause us to feel afraid even if there is no actual threat to our survival. It makes sense that our organism would err on the side of falsely alerting us to a danger rather than assuming we are safe when we are really not. However, these kinds of false alarms, if […]
- [The Illness is the Cure: The Forgotten Wisdom of Our Psychological Symptoms](https://bettertherapy.com/illness-is-cure/): I always liked the saying “The illness is the cure”. Why? Because in the area of mental health, it alerts us to something profoundly insightful about the nature of most people’s psychological and emotional problems. Whether we feel depressed, have panic attacks, or generally feel weak, bad, or inadequate, these kinds of problematic states and ways of suffering are rarely ever simply problems to be removed or eradicated. They are NOT the illness, but like a fever or a cough, a symptom that alerts us to something about our life or our approach to life that is off-kilter, wrong, or […]
- [What is Your Depression Telling You?](https://bettertherapy.com/depression-telling-you/): In my many years of experience as a psychologist and a psychotherapist, I have seen exceptionally few clients for whom depression was simply a disorder of the brain. In the vast majority of cases, once a person begins to examine their feelings and their life more closely, they discover that their depression has a meaning and a message. Depression, in other words, is not just a medical illness, but is what happens when a person is stuck in some aspect of their life without knowing exactly why. Depression Hides its Own Cause: Depression often conceals its own reason for being […]
- [The Psychological Price You Pay for Avoiding Your Emotions](https://bettertherapy.com/emotional-avoidance/): One of the most frequent objections I hear as a therapist, is the objection by clients who don’t see what the point is of re-experiencing unpleasant memories and emotions from the past. “How is feeling sad going to help me?” they ask. Or: “How is getting angry at people in my life who mistreated me really going to serve me?” Here is my answer to their concerns… The Desire to Be Rid of Negative Emotions: Anger, sadness, loneliness, emptiness, despair, grief; these are all emotions that many people don’t know what to do with, and would most of all like […]
- [Should I Take Medication for My Anxiety and Depression?](https://bettertherapy.com/medication/): Questions You Should Ask Yourself about Psychiatric Drugs: Psychiatry is in fashion these days. Increasingly people are choosing to “pop a pill” to rid themselves of their depression or their anxiety. Statistics show that every 10th adult in the United States is currently taking an anti-depressant as part of their daily routine. Oftentimes, however, people are not that well informed about what this kind of psychiatric treatment really means for their long-term health. The story we are being told in advertisements is that depression and anxiety are “disorders” with some supposed biological basis, and that anti-depressants are to depression, what […]
- [Shame: The Hidden Root of Most Psychological Problems](https://bettertherapy.com/shame/): You won’t find “disorders of shame” as a category in the DSM-5 (the official American catalogue over mental health diagnoses), and yet shame is probably the biggest single cause of most of our psychological problems. Shame is often the secret engine that get us started on a path of disordered eating, makes us feel bad about our bodies, causes us to be depressed or have social anxiety, makes us engage in pathological lying, leads us to feel lonely and empty in our relationships with others, and makes us escape into addictions of all kinds. Shame: A Personal Story When I […]
- [Most Important Thing to Know Before Choosing a Therapist](https://bettertherapy.com/choosing-therapist/): If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or some other psychological struggle, there is almost always two directions you can go.  Whichever path you choose will have profound implications for the general direction your life will take… The Symptom Path: One direction is to stay at the surface and treat the symptoms as if they were problems in themselves. If you suffer from insomnia, for example, what are some strategies you can use to trick yourself into falling asleep? This technical and managerial approach to life fits well with a modern zeitgeist of efficiency and productivity. If you have a […]
- [What is Psychodynamic Therapy?](https://bettertherapy.com/psychodynamic-therapy/)
- [Does Psychotherapy Really Work?](https://bettertherapy.com/psychotherapy/): Many people who are considering therapy for their psychological difficulties may wonder how effective talking about their problems is really going to be… So let’s examine the question: Does therapy really work? What’s Wrong with Talk Therapy? The concern about whether or not therapy works, might not be assuaged by reading a recent Time Magazine opinion piece, that questions the legitimacy of longer term talk therapy. In the piece, entitled “The Trouble with Talk Therapy”, neuroscience journalist and author, Maia Szalvitz, argues that most therapists have no clue about the latest and most effective treatments for common psychological problems. Instead […]
- [How Psychological Suffering Can Help You Grow Stronger](https://bettertherapy.com/grow-stronger/): “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places” (Ernest Hemingway) Ernest Hemingway spoke of a universal psychological truth, when in A Farewell to Arms, he suggested that you grow stronger in your broken places, much like a wound that heals itself by growing a protective scab. Those who suffer through difficult experiences and invalidating environments have to find within themselves a strength that others don’t necessarily have to. They grow stronger in their weak places. Strengths through Suffering: If my family was abusive, my psychological survival would demand of me that I stretch myself beyond […]
- [The Causes of Depression: Emotional Inhibition](https://bettertherapy.com/emotional-inhibition/): We live in a society that tells us a story of what depression really is; that wants us to believe that depression is an illness and that it is the result of a broken brain. In a series of articles, which I have called “the causes of depression” I want to tell a different story. This story is the story of most therapists who get to know the person beneath the depression, and get a very clear understanding that depression is not an illness, but a symptom. A symptom of what? you ask. Well, it is the answer to this […]
- [A 1001 Depressions: Which One Is Yours?](https://bettertherapy.com/1001-depressions/): When we generally think of depression, we think of it as the same phenomenon. People sometimes call it clinical depression, and professionals often call it major depressive disorder. However, depression is not really ONE thing, and there are as many variations of being depressed as there are people who are depressed. Why is that? Because, in the majority of cases, depression is the individualized expression of a life struggle. It is simply like a fever that tells us there is something we need to look at or something about the way we live our life we need to resolve. Sure, […]
- [Why I Am Not a CBT Therapist...](https://bettertherapy.com/not-cbt-therapist/): In today’s therapeutic landscape, people have to be aware of multiple competing approaches to dealing with life struggles and emotional pain. Sometimes in the public eye, it would appear that an approach named CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the only effective choice. That view at least is promoted by many psychiatrists, who in recent years have turned away from their psychoanalytic past, and have rebranded themselves as men and women of science. It is also promoted by many psychology departments, who have been quick to embrace a more mechanical approach to therapy because of the ease with which such […]
- [The Causes of Depression: Attachment Trauma](https://bettertherapy.com/attachment-trauma/): As a psychologist, a question I often get asked is: What are the causes of depression? The answer to this question is not one you will find in an encyclopedia or the latest research; it is one you will have to find within yourself. Even though the causes of depression are multiple and highly specific to each individual, there are some common psychological causes of depression that often reveal themselves through the course of therapy. In the coming months, I want to address these causes in a series of articles called “The causes of depression”. In today’s article, I want […]
- [What Does it Mean to Have a Psychological Disorder?](https://bettertherapy.com/psychological-disorder/): Although there are some psychological disorders that have a clear biological or genetic component, many if not most are responses to life’s adversities and quite treatable through therapy. What is a Psychological Disorder? A psychological disorder is often not really an illness such as one would define diabetes or multiple sclerosis. Instead it is simply a name given to a collection of distressing symptoms that frequently go together and thus would appear to refer to the same underlying phenomenon. Major Depressive Disorder, for example, is the name we give to the symptom of persistent low mood or lack of excitement […]
- [Finding Your Way Out of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)](https://bettertherapy.com/ocd/): Are obsessions and compulsions the result of your brain going haywire, or could they have a meaning and a function, which can be addressed through psychological therapies? Although there is some evidence that severe forms of obsessions and compulsions, such as excessive cleaning rituals or time-consuming fears about contaminating others, might best be treated with medication, we should not rule out alternatives to pharmacological therapies for less severe forms of OCD. Behavior Therapies for OCD: One such form of therapy which has been well-established as the psychological treatment of choice for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention. Exposure and Response […]
- [Can You Heal a Traumatic Past?](https://bettertherapy.com/traumatic-past/): The Past Never Lasts: Changing the Past from the Future “The past never lasts”. Such was the slogan posted on a colleagues’ bulletin board, when I worked in a treatment center for traumatized adolescents. My colleague used it to remind her young clients that things might seem bad for now, but that any memory that brings pain is but a fleeting experience. Here today, gone tomorrow. The past, in other words, is always a viewpoint from the present. However, there is another reason why the past never lasts, and that is that the past has not been written yet. One […]
- [How Can I Stop Feeling Guilty All the Time?](https://bettertherapy.com/overcome-guilt/): Many people feel marred by guilt feelings that are preventing them from fully enjoying their lives. Sometimes, of course, guilt is a useful signal to ourselves that we have done something we can’t really be proud of or have done something we shouldn’t have. It allows us to to seek forgiveness and correct a wrong. Without this kind of experience, we would not be able to become remorseful, and would end up not caring about other people’s needs, thoughts, and feelings. When Does Guilt Become Excessive? Many times, however, guilt becomes attached to a wide variety of healthy feelings, thoughts, […]
- [Why You Shouldn't Avoid Your Painful Past...](https://bettertherapy.com/avoiding-past/): The title of my blog post this week contains one of the essential insights of my work as a psychologist. Too many people spend their lives leaving places they have never actually arrived at. A person who had a traumatic childhood might say they would rather just forget about the past and move on, which is their way of leaving without first arriving. Another person might spend their entire life in a search for meaning on the mountain tops of Nepal or in the pursuits of promotions or recognition at work, which is their way of not addressing the source […]
- [Why Talking to a Therapist is Not Like Talking to a Friend (and Other Misconceptions about Therapy)](https://bettertherapy.com/myths-psychotherapy/): Recently I came across an excellent video on some of the common misperceptions many people have about psychotherapy that might stop them from ever seeing a therapist. As the short video below from my colleagues at the The School of Life in London illustrates, these myths include: Psychotherapy is only for people who are strange, abnormal, or deficient in some way Psychotherapy is only for people who don’t know how to solve their own problems Psychotherapy is nothing different than simply talking to a good friend Psychotherapy is not affordable and is not worth the cost In this article I […]
- [The Truth about Pathological Lying](https://bettertherapy.com/the-truth-about-pathological-lying/): The line between telling the truth and telling a lie has always been the central theme of psychotherapy. The real self (an acceptance of one’s real feelings and motivations) and the reality principle (a sober assessment of the world as it really is) has always been considered the hallmark of health or good adjustment. Various forms of lying, on the other hand, have been the hallmark of what we consider to be pathology or maladjustment. When we tell a lie, we make reality conform to our ideas rather than adjust our ideas to fit reality. In neurosis, for example, the […]
- [How to Deal with Heartache and Heartbreak](https://bettertherapy.com/heartbreak/): No feeling is so painful as the pain of the human heart… One client of mine, when asked what it was like to feel shut out and rejected by her partner, used the word “soul-crunching” to describe her pain In fact heartache and heartbreak are often described by people through metaphors of brokenness. Heartache and heartbreak literally destroy something inside of us. We feel as if we have fallen to pieces, as if our lives are in ruins, and as if who we are and what we live for is no longer intact. What Science Says: Research shows that heart-ache […]
- [How Do I Know if I Have a Personality Disorder?](https://bettertherapy.com/personality-disorder/): We all have personalities, but what does it mean to have a personality “disorder”? What Do We Mean by Personality? A personality is a certain habitual way I deal with the world around me. When you think to yourself “boy, that person sure has a personality!”, what comes to mind is probably certain predictable characteristics that stand out about them and that don’t just blend in with the surroundings. Our personality is a collection of enduring traits about ourselves that make us stand out as well as make us predictable. Hence, I might tend to be “the life of the […]
- [How Therapy Creates Change](https://bettertherapy.com/how-therapy-creates-change/): What happens in good therapy is hard to explain to someone who has not yet experienced it. Why is that? Because the person who enters the therapy room often isn’t the person therapy will reveal her to be. Her very goals and definitions of who she is belongs to her pre-therapy self. If she is like most people she is used to the idea that life consists of a series of problems to be solved. She views herself as a kind of processing machine that takes in information or challenges, uses logic and planning to tackle these challenges, and produces […]
- [What You Can Do to Manage Your Anger](https://bettertherapy.com/anger-management/): Anger is an uncomfortable emotion for most people. We often wonder what to do with it when we feel it, or want desperately to get rid of it because we associate it with being out-of-control, find it to be destructive, or are afraid it.  The Benefits of Anger: Anger has gotten a bad reputation, but like any emotion can be quite useful and adaptive at times. Just imagine the life of someone who cannot feel angry. Such a person will likely feel compelled to make their life all about other people’s needs. He or she will have a hard time […]
- [Do You Often Feel Guilty about Your Own Needs?](https://bettertherapy.com/guilt-about-needs/): One frequent problem people present with in therapy is: not knowing how to care for themselves emotionally. Many people make their lives all about caring for others, and not enough about caring for themselves. They might make statements such as: “My husband doesn’t like Chinese food, so we never go” “I would never spend the money on a spa treatment for myself, I just don’t feel like I’m worth it” “I did not feel proud when I got my promotion, I don’t want to be seen as egotistical” Problems with Ignoring Own Needs: This kind of attitude toward life whereby […]
- [Why Do Some People Resist Change in Psychotherapy?](https://bettertherapy.com/obstacles-to-change/): When people come to therapy it is usually because they have identified some behavior, some feeling, or some aspect of their life which they find problematic and want to change. Yet psychotherapists have long known that clients usually resist the very changes which they consciously claim they want. For example, I know I should not procrastinate in school or at work, but even though I can list all the rational reasons why procrastination works against me, I still cannot simply make a rational decision not to procrastinate anymore. Resistance to Change: In therapy this force within me that is working […]
- [Approaches to Couples Counseling: The Gottman Method](https://bettertherapy.com/gottman-method/): Gottman Method Couples Counseling is one of the most popular and contemporary approaches to couples counseling used by couples therapists today. What makes it so unique in the therapeutic landscape is that it is entirely based on research findings from couples researcher John Gottman’s own studies of married couples. A Research-Based Approach to Couples Counseling: John Gottman is a psychologist and researcher who has spent more than 40 years researching couples. Based on his research, he claims to be able to predict which married couples will divorce and which will stay married with 90 % accuracy. One of the innovations […]
- [Is Talking Disappearing from Depression Therapy?](https://bettertherapy.com/depression-therapy/): This week, a story in Newsvalley, asked the question “Is talking disappearing from depression therapy?” The question followed the death of beloved actor, Robin Williams, who was reported to have been seeing a therapist for his depression in the period preceding his eventual suicide. Robin Williams himself starred as a therapist in the award-winning movie Good Will Hunting, where his character touched the heart and mind of a troubled young man through the kind of talk therapy the article is wondering if might be disappearing. Talk in talk therapy is of course a lot more than talk. It is about […]
- [The Best Way to Make Up After a Fight](https://bettertherapy.com/make-up-after-fight/): A sign of a strong relationship is not that you never fight or argue. Disagreements and arguments are inevitable when we are emotionally invested in someone. Contrary to popular wisdom, however, fights do not have to tear us apart, but can actually serve as pathways to greater intimacy… Couples who don’t fight can only avoid doing so by suppressing their feelings and withdrawing emotionally, and this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. The secret to a fulfilling relationship is therefore not to avoid saying or doing things that will lead to a fight, but to be able to […]
- [How to Get Your Point Across Without Starting a Fight](https://bettertherapy.com/communication/): A frequent concern couples have is how to express their disagreements without starting a fight. Learning how to communicate with your partner in a way that minimizes your partner’s defensiveness and makes it possible to have a conversation and not an argument is vital to the success of any relationship. Having a conversation and having an argument are two very different things… Argument: In an argument, we try to convince our partner that we are right and that they are wrong. Oftentimes this leads to an escalation of conflict, because our partner is unlikely to simply agree that we are […]
- [Extramarital Affairs: Why Do People Cheat?](https://bettertherapy.com/extramarital-affairs/): Infidelity and Cheating is Widespread: Statistics show that between 35-50% of all women or men in a relationship have had an affair. With such widespread occurrence of infidelity, affairs cannot only be attributed to some act of deviance or amorality, but must be looked at as a normal fact of life. This begs the question “why do so many people cheat?” And, “What are the challenges to staying faithful and monogamous in a relationship?” Is There Something Wrong with Cheating? Over the years psychologists and sociologists have advanced many viewpoints on this matter. The current stance of many couples therapists […]
- [The Psychological Meaning of Drug and Alcohol Addiction](https://bettertherapy.com/the-psychological-meaning-of-drug-and-alcohol-addiction/): An addiction to drugs and alcohol is not really an addiction to the drugs or to the alcohol. Rather we become addicted to a way of life. Our drug of choice, for better or for worse, helps us find our bearing in the world, and it is much more difficult to let go of a way of existing than it is to let go of a simple physiological enjoyment… My Own Sweet Addiction: Recently I tried to break my own addiction to coffee. Over a period of time I felt that my daily dose of mocha served more to keep […]
- [5 Excuses People Use to Avoid Seeing a Therapist](https://bettertherapy.com/avoidance/): The vast majority of people who are contemplating seeing a therapist will be marred by doubts and reservations that may ultimately get in the way of following through. Some of these concerns may be quite rational and practical, but others are typically roadblocks we put in our own way because we are afraid… Resistances to Therapy: Therapists have long referred to these rationalizations in defense of our fears as “resistances”. Resistance is an expected part of every therapeutic journey. What Freud determined quite early on is that people want change from a distressing situation, but are also deeply afraid of […]
- [What is Psychotherapy Really About?](https://bettertherapy.com/what-is-psychotherapy-about/): Good psychotherapy is not about offering solutions to people’s problems. It is about helping people understand what their problem really is… Meet Joe… Joe is depressed. His wife just declared that she is going through with her divorce. Having built his past 20 years around the idea of being her husband, Joe now feels as if he is left with nothing. His entire psychological existence feels empty, and it is hard to face this brave new world of bachelorhood without a sense of hopelessness and despair. Can he ever re-find the sense of comfort and acceptance he had with his […]
- [What Does Therapy Have in Common With Art?](https://bettertherapy.com/therapy-art/): The Beauty of Therapy: My many years of experience as a therapist have taught me that therapy is a beautiful experience.  People change by finding connections between memories, thoughts, and feelings, forming beautiful new patterns out of the fragments of their life. Suffering on the other hand is ugly. It is a sign of a pattern that has not yet emerged, of a thought has that been severed from a feeling, or a feeling that seems isolated and without meaning. Beauty has flow; suffering is disharmonious. Good Therapists are Artists: Good therapists are more like artists than technicians. They don’t […]
- [Borderline Personality Disorder and The Fear of Being Yourself](https://bettertherapy.com/borderline-personality/): The concept of Borderline Personality Disorder is often understood as being synonymous with an impossible individual who acts out in the most ostentatious ways. The concept conjures up images of suicidal threats and acts, as well as intense anger and aggression. However, there is a more subtle kind of borderline anxiety that is less “in your face” and yet quite widespread in many romantic relationships. This kind of borderline phenomenon is not the kind that would require hospitalization, but it nevertheless has its own insidious and very destructive effects on the health of a relationship… The kind of borderline anxiety […]
- [Things We Can Learn from Happy Couples](https://bettertherapy.com/happy-couples/): It’s all supposed to be very rosy: Two people meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. That’s what the fairy tale states… And yet underneath the hood of every romantic relationship, we find one thing that all relationships have in common: they are all a lot of work… The Perpetual Issues of Couples As famous couples therapist, John Gottman, frequently says: To pick a partner is to pick a set of problems… This does not mean that there are not plenty of moments of joy and closeness in every relationship. What it means is that we should expect […]
- [The Surprising Reason Why Arguing Might Help Your Relationship](https://bettertherapy.com/arguments/): Why Couples May Not Argue Enough… At first glance it might seem that one of the major reasons couples decide to pursue couples counseling is that they fight too much. Ironically, however, the fights couples engage in are often the result of a determination by both partners not to fight. In fact, many couples do not feel completely safe to express their complaints, and feel rather timid, guilty, or ashamed about stating their own needs and desires. Rather than voicing their complaints to each other, they therefore instead try to suppress them. When both partners have held in their private […]
- [Psychotherapy: Does Insight Cure?](https://bettertherapy.com/insight/): Over the past 100 years, therapists have asked themselves the question: what really produces change in people? In this connection, the role “insight” plays in helping us resolve our issues has often been a point of contention… So does insight really cure? Insight in Psychoanalysis In the heyday of psychoanalysis, a prevalent belief was that change resulted from understanding our unconscious conflicts, or making the unconscious conscious. The main tool of the psychoanalyst was believed to be the offering of an interpretation of the unconscious truth of which the client was unaware. Unfortunately to get to this point, people often […]
- [The Power of Vulnerability in Your Relationship](https://bettertherapy.com/vulnerability/): What is it that makes some couples have more successful and rewarding relationships and others teeter on the brink of relationship disaster? The Secret of Successful Relationships: If you ask me, the secret to a successful relationship or marriage lies in the capacity to be vulnerable. Most relationship conflicts are the result of people’s distaste for admitting to themselves and to their partner that they depend on each other, that they worry that the other person doesn’t love them, that they feel disappointed or hurt, or that they miss the other person and wish they could be closer or spend […]
- [Number 1 Reason Couples Fight (and What to Do About It)](https://bettertherapy.com/reason-couples-fight/): Even though it might seem that couples argue about a myriad of different issues, when we look a little deeper, we often find that most arguments have one thing in common: They are really about how we feel about each other, and more specifically, how loved or how significant we feel to our partner. A wife might complain about her husband not cleaning up after himself, but when this wife takes the time to reflect on her dismay in a couples therapy session, she usually discovers that her annoyance is rooted in her sense that her husband does not really […]
- [Better Therapy for Social Anxiety](https://bettertherapy.com/therapy-for-social-anxiety/)
- [What Many People Don't Know about Social Anxiety](https://bettertherapy.com/social-anxiety/): Social Anxiety, like so many other “anxiety disorders”, is not really about anxiety. If we look a little deeper there is almost always something else at stake… Anxiety as Substitute Emotion Quite frequently, anxiety acts as a substitute emotion that takes the place of the real issue that therapy needs to focus on. Anxiety is to our internal dilemmas, as loss of consciousness is to alcohol consumption. Both serve to shut down something in order to keep us safe. In the case of alcohol consumption, loss of consciousness prevents us from drinking more and thus from dying of alcohol poisoning. […]
- [How to Overcome Trauma and Make Peace with Your Past](https://bettertherapy.com/overcome-trauma/): One of single biggest issues that stops people from living the life they want is their inability to let go of negative memories from their past. Most often when people experience hurtful events in their life they tend to prefer to suppress their memories, or to simply silence their emotional pain by trying their best to ignore what happened. When you ask them about why they want to avoid revisiting their past, they often say that there is no reason to dwell on their memories, since there is nothing they can do about their past anyway. They will say things […]
- [Why People Often Choose Misery over Change](https://bettertherapy.com/misery/): Human beings are constantly faced with making the choice between two paths: One path that keeps them in the safe and comfortable straits of what they know, and another that entices with a different way of being, less restricted and more promising. Which way should I go? Should I stay in my comfort zone or venture down the path of novelty? This question becomes heightened for every person who chooses to come to therapy. The Price We Pay for Staying Safe: The decision to see a therapist is by definition the decision to heed the murmur from deep inside that […]
- [Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living](https://bettertherapy.com/generalized-anxiety-disorder/): Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a label often given to people who worry excessively about many different things. They worry both to the point of making themselves significantly distressed and to the point where others start to get exasperated because they really don’t find the anxious person’s worries to be justified or realistic. Why Do People Worry? The first step in understanding the tendency to worry is to acknowledge that worrying is generally intended to be a helpful mechanism that reminds us of things to watch out for. Its purpose is to keep us from getting in trouble. Worrying in […]
- [How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself and Getting in Your Own Way](https://bettertherapy.com/self-sabotage/): Many people struggle with following through on their plans, commitments, or stated desires. Sometimes it is as if there is another voice or person inside of us that gets in our way. This part of us might tell us to postpone an important task until tomorrow, or might tell us that we shouldn’t aim for that promotion. It seeks to lead us astray and ultimately keeps us from accomplishing our long-term goals. At other times, not only does this alternate voice get in our way, it actually harms us. Richard Schwartz who has invented an approach to therapy called Internal […]
- [Best Ways to Deal with Grief and Loss](https://bettertherapy.com/grief-and-loss/): When it comes to dealing with grief there is no one best way. Everybody deals with the pain of loss differently. In general, however, it is best not to fight or ignore the pain you are feeling, but to let the grieving process run its course. Why Do We Grieve? The grieving process is a natural response to finally letting go or saying good-bye to someone or something. We don’t just grieve the loss of a person or of a relationship, but also the loss of a possession, or of an ambition. Maybe a business venture did not turn out […]
- [Understanding Maladaptive Grief: Why Grieving Can Turn to Depression, Isolation, or Overwhelm](https://bettertherapy.com/maladaptive-grief/): While there is generally not one right way to grieve, there ARE ways that grieving can go wrong. Instead of letting the grieving process run its natural course, people sometimes try to run away from the pain, and it is in these cases that grief can turn into depression, isolation, or overwhelm. Typically these kinds of reactions to loss or grief happen because the natural grieving process is blocked, or because a person finds themselves without the internal resources or the external support to cope with the intensity of their own emotions. In such instances, people may try to numb […]
- [4 Unmet Needs that Can Cause Psychological Issues when We Grow Up](https://bettertherapy.com/unmet-needs/): Understanding Your Psychological Issues Better by Understanding Your Past: As a psychologist, I am often surprised by how many of my clients come to therapy believing that what ails them is simply a matter of a personal defect or an inherent weakness in their own ability to cope with things. They look at themselves in their present state without any true awareness of the influence of their past. Luckily through therapy, people can learn to appreciate and acknowledge the challenges posed to them by the life they have lived and understand the various ways their past has shaped their present […]
- [The Art of Flirting: Key Lessons from My Dissertation on Flirting](https://bettertherapy.com/art-of-flirting/):   Believe it or not, I wrote my doctoral dissertation on flirting. I wanted to find out based on first hand accounts, what mindset you get into when you flirt. I wanted to live the experience vicariously through what other people told me about a time when they flirted. I wanted to see if there are any common characteristics that reveal the nature of what flirting really is. Obviously like friendship, love, grief, and betrayal, flirting is a particular kind of experience one can have with another person, but what is it that really distinguishes it? When do we call […]
- [Important Lessons Your Anger Can Teach You](https://bettertherapy.com/anger-lessons/):   Anger is not just a problem to get rid of, but a message to you about who you are and what is important to you. Oftentimes, however, this important fact gets ignored because we live in a society in which anger is often considered inappropriate and uncivil. For the most part we have learned to associate anger with destruction and aggression. We have likely felt its negative impact on our relationships or been ashamed about how our anger made us act. Maybe we have experienced the destructive impact of other people’s anger outbursts on us, or we have seen […]
- [4 Signs Your Marriage is Headed for Divorce](https://bettertherapy.com/4-signs-your-marriage-is-headed-for-divorce/): Couples therapist John Gottman has identified 4 behaviors that are so destructive to relationships that they will almost certainly lead a married couple to divorce. Due to their ominous nature, he calls them the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse” and because of their destructive nature, they must be stopped at all cost. Although we almost inevitable end up engaging in these behaviors, it is important to be vigilant about their presence and make conscious efforts to reduce or minimize their impact on your marriage. Want to know what the four horsemen are? Let’s go through them one at a time: Criticism: […]
- [How to Restore Love in Your Relationship](https://bettertherapy.com/restore-love-in-relationship/): Romantic relationships tend to run a quite predictable course. Initially your partner can do nothing wrong. You are wearing rose-colored glasses. But over time, differences become annoyances and the novelty of your relationship wears off. Most couples hit an impasse at the 2 or 3 year mark, when many couples end up breaking up or divorcing. Even those partners who stay together, may end up living emotionally disengaged lives and struggling to maintain their love connection. This raises the question: Can couples really sustain love over time? The Science of Love: Couples researcher, Sue Johnson, brings us an optimistic message. […]
- [5 Simple Ways to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage](https://bettertherapy.com/5-ways-to-improve-intimacy-in-your-marriage/): Do you sometimes feel you have very little in common with your partner or spouse? Do you often feel lonely in your relationship or marriage? Do you silently ask yourself if you and your partner are slowly growing apart? If so, you are not alone. Many couples struggle to maintain intimacy and stay emotionally connected over time. The good news is, connection and intimacy in your marriage or relationship is something you can build. Here are five ways to improve intimacy in your marriage or relationship: 1. Empathize – Don’t Problem-Solve: When your partner opens up to you about a […]
- [15 Proven Ways to Fight Depression (A Complete Self-Help Guide)](https://bettertherapy.com/ways-to-fight-depression/): Are you or someone you know depressed? Not to worry… In this comprehensive, yet simple and practical, self-help guide, I will give you an overview of fifteen of the most effective techniques psychologists use to help their clients overcome depression. Let’s go through each technique one at a time:   1. Get Active: When we become depressed our body often starts to shut down. We become lethargic, don’t want to do anything, and feel like every little task is a hassle. To counteract this tendency, behaviorists have long suggested that one of the best ways to fight depression is to […]
- [The Secret to Fighting Less in Your Relationship](https://bettertherapy.com/fighting-less/)
- [How to Turn a Negative Relationship Around](https://bettertherapy.com/turn-relationship-around/)
- [What is Your Depression Telling You?](https://bettertherapy.com/what-is-your-depression-telling-you/): In my many years of experience as a psychologist and a psychotherapist, I have seen exceptionally few clients for whom depression was simply a disorder of the brain. In the vast majority of cases, once a person begins to examine their feelings and their life more closely, they discover that their depression has a meaning and a message. Depression, in other words, is not just a medical illness, but is what happens when a person is stuck in some aspect of their life without knowing exactly why. Depression Hides its Own Cause: Depression often conceals its own reason for being […]
- [What Is the Difference between Sadness and Depression?](https://bettertherapy.com/sadness-or-depression/): It may come as a surprise to some, but sadness and depression are not the same. It would be easy to mistake the two if we simply listen to how people generally talk about their feelings when they are having a bad day or feeling down for some reason. Most people tend to use the terms sad and depressed interchangeably, not knowing what the difference really is. This confusion, however, does a disservice to us since it inadvertently gives sadness a negative reputation, while also minimizing and confusing the issues that are really at stake when someone is truly depressed. […]
- [Low Self-Esteem and the Flight from Self](https://bettertherapy.com/low-self-esteem/): Many people in our society live lives that are not fully their own. They try to become their ideal self – an image of who they SHOULD be – rather than to be who they truly are. Although there is nothing wrong with striving to be better at something, sometimes these strivings secretly function as judgments on ourselves. We want to be better, not as a function of our natural striving for self-actualization, but to make up for our low self-esteem and a lack of ability to accept ourselves for who we are… The student who always MUST have straight […]
- [The Myth of Major Depression: Why Depression is Not an Illness](https://bettertherapy.com/the-myth-of-major-depression-why-depression-is-not-an-illness/): The Rise of Major Depressive Disorder It has become common nowadays to think of depression as a medical condition. If you visit your general health practitioner, she might ask a few questions about your energy level, appetite, sleep, and mood and, if you answer these questions in a particular way,  tell you that you have “Major Depressive Disorder”. Major Depressive Disorder, you will be told, is a real illness. And like any real illness, it even comes with its own pill prescription (SSRIs)… This way of thinking about depression, however, is really the product of a medical discourse that has […]
- [What-to-Expect-at-First-Visit](https://bettertherapy.com/what-to-expect/)
- [Better Therapy for Depression](https://bettertherapy.com/therapy-for-depression/)

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