The vast majority of people who are contemplating seeing a therapist will be marred by doubts and reservations that may ultimately get in the way of following through. Some of these concerns may be quite rational and practical, but others are typically roadblocks we put in our own way because we are afraid...
Resistances to Therapy:
Therapists have long referred to these rationalizations in defense of our fears as “resistances”. Resistance is an expected part of every therapeutic journey. What Freud determined quite early on is that people want change from a distressing situation, but are also deeply afraid of change and of the process that is going to get them there. A part of each person therefore actively - albeit often unknowingly -resists the process of therapy. These resistances often start before the person has even walked in the door and may prevent them from ever picking up the phone and scheduling that first appointment...
Here are five of the most common resistances people have to seeing a therapist and some reasons why they might be rationalizations that cover up underlying fears:
1. I Should Be Able to Solve My Own Problems...
This resistance to seeing a therapist is quite common. Many people have learned that the hallmark of skillful and confident people is that they are able to manage life without relying on anybody else. They think they must be weak or inadequate if they have to see a therapist; that this means that they are not competent or skillful like everybody else, or that they can’t cope with life.
Fact is that underneath an overly self-reliant attitude are often deep-seated fears about depending on others. Many people develop the attitude that they must manage life on their own, because they are afraid that others would ultimately not be there for them in their hour of need. Reaching out to others and admitting that you need them can sometimes activate the feeling of becoming a child again who cannot fend for him or herself and who is utterly at other people’s mercy. Although we all have deep seated wishes to return to a state of being taken care of again, such wishes have often had to be squelched as part of growing up, and we may now judge ourselves as “childish” or “immature” for having them. And yet when we fall in love and develop strong relationships with others, we are confronted with the fact that these needs never went away. The ability to endure the vulnerability of depending on others is thus a necessary skill to have in order to form strong bonds and feel intimate with others.
It is now easy to see why some people may not allow themselves to even contemplate therapy. They don’t feel comfortable getting in touch with the child within and enduring the risk of rejection and let-down that comes with having to depend on others.
2. Therapy is Too Expensive - I Can’t Afford It...
Finances are often used as a prime reason why therapy is not an option for a person. Sometimes embarking on therapy would truly be a bad financial decision, especially if you are struggling to meet your many financial obligations. At other times, however, concerns about finances may serve as a convenient way to appease certain underlying fears about the therapeutic endeavor itself. It is for example not uncommon to find that people will go on expensive vacations or remodel their kitchen, but not feel they can spare the expense to see a therapist.
Many times, a concern with financial means to pay for therapy conceals a variety of underlying concerns. These can include: guilt feelings about making yourself a priority, minimizing and deprioritizing your mental health, or resentments about the idea of having to pay for someone to listen. Many people are okay spending money on others, but feel uncomfortable with making themselves a priority. Therapy for them is the ultimate self-indulgence and may feel like a selfish need. Others, who feel quite okay spending money on material possessions like a new car, a new kitchen, or expensive jewelry, may not feel that spiritual things like their own mental health is of equal value. Finally, whether people admit to it or not, there is often some anger or resentments that people experience for having to depart with a treasured belonging (money) in order to get somebody to care or to listen. Rather than examine the variety of these concerns, it is often easier to chalk them up to the statement that therapy is simply too expensive.
3. Seeing a Therapist Means I’m Crazy...
Many people find it difficult to square the idea of going to therapy with their need to feel normal. We have a very powerful social instinct that wants nothing more than to blend in with everybody else. We are afraid to stand out from the crowd in any negative way and we convince ourselves that therapy means that something about us is wrong or defective; that we have stepped outside of the acceptable limits of our society.
This resistance to the idea of therapy and what it must mean about ME or my self-concept is based on the illusion that “normal” people don’t need therapy. Fact is that every human being develops certain bruises to their self-esteem, experiences certain personal limitations in their interactions with others, and don’t know how to cope at various points in their life. Psychoanalyst, Nancy McWilliams, quips in her famous textbook to therapists, that the question to ask oneself is not: Am I nuts? But: How nuts am I? And nuts in what way?
People who go through life adhering to an illusion of normalcy can only do so by pushing their struggles to the side and pretending that everything is fine. Over the long term this actually produces more psychological distress than dealing with your issues head-on. Ironically, trying hard to be normal can be crazy-making, and allowing yourself to confront your irrationalities and “craziness” can make you feel normal again. Dismissing therapy as something that is only for “crazy” people is thus a way to express discomfort with who you are, and not acknowledging that it is human to suffer.
4. It is Weird to Air My Dirty Laundry to a Stranger...
It is not uncommon for people to convince themselves that talking to a therapist will feel too awkward or uncomfortable. They might say to themselves that it is unnatural to talk to a professional about your problems, and that a therapist really offers nothing that a friend or family member couldn’t offer. In addition, they say, it is not comfortable to share their deepest darkest secrets with someone they hardly know and who doesn’t reciprocate by sharing something about their own personal life.
These resistances to embarking on a therapeutic journey serve as deterrents to having to face one’s fears of opening up and becoming fully known to someone. One naturally feels quite “naked” and exposed when one is asked to divulge thoughts and feelings to someone who is not responding in kind. However, discomfort about opening up to a therapist is often about confronting one’s own shame about admitting to the full scope of one’s human emotions, thoughts, needs, and wishes.
The same qualities about the therapist that are often cited as deterrents to opening up, are also the qualities that ultimately allow people to go deeper into their issues and be more honest than they can be with a friend:
- Because the therapist does not divulge much about their own personal problems, the client is free to focus exclusively on their own issues without having to be concerned about taking care of someone else.
- Because the therapist is not part of the client’s life, a client can feel safe to genuinely express themselves without fear of repercussion for their everyday relationships.
- Because the therapist is not a friend or family member, and has no self-interest in the client choosing particular actions over others, a client can discuss concerns without feeling an implicit pull to make particular decisions.
At the end of the day, the therapeutic set-up, while initially a foreign concept, actually ends up making it easier rather than harder for a person to share their thoughts and feelings freely.
5. It Will Be Awkward if I Don’t Like My Therapist
Some people may hold themselves back from scheduling an appointment because they don’t want to get themselves into a situation they can’t get out of. They may be concerned that a therapist won’t be right for them and that it’s going to be uncomfortable to tell their therapist that they would prefer not to come back.
These kinds of fears of getting stuck in a bad situation often hide over discomfort with assertiveness and ultimately with anger and aggression. Some people feel that they would hurt their therapist’s feelings if they truly expressed their mind and feel like their only choice is to go along with whatever their therapist is telling them so as to not incur their therapist’s wrath. This of course leads to fears of being swallowed up in the relationship and losing one’s autonomy and independence.
It may be of great comfort to such people to know that therapists receive training in how to manage a client’s negative reactions, and that working through negative reactions is part and parcel of good therapy. Therapy is about creating space for clients to be themselves fully, which means creating space for negative as well as positive emotions. No therapy can ever be completely successful if a person has not been able to express and work through their anger, disappointment, fears, and frustrations as they pertain to their therapist as well as significant others. It is quite liberating to have the experience that one’s therapist can withstand one’s fury without retaliating or rescinding their support.
About me: I am Rune Moelbak, Ph.D., an experienced Houston psychologist. I help people confront their fears and live more genuine lives.